As luck would have it, I didn't have to go too long without hearing the sweet sound of D's voice. Apparently he was clever enough to realize that I had blocked his phone number, and used that of a friend, or perhaps a fellow person that he had met in rehab, in order to contact me.
During our brief conversation I did not have the opportunity to tell him much of anything. D is of the mindset that what he has to say is far superior and important to anything that I might come up with. As a result of this, I wound up cutting our conversation short, due to time constraints coupled with sheer and utter frustration.
However I did have the fortitude to put my thoughts down in the form of an email to him. There were several things that I needed to convey to D, without the annoyance of a one-sided phone conversation, fraught with interruptions and protests from D.
Below is the email that I sent to him.
I wanted to write you an email in order to lay out a couple of things, since you seem to not be able to comprehend everything that has gone on.
First of all, I have blocked you from contacting me via my cell phone and Facebook. This was intentional. There is no reason for you to contact me, and you would need to go through the court system in order to get your visitation reinstated. We went over the parameters of this during our brief phone call today, and you also received word of this from the court system. It is no longer in my control and is out of my hands. So there is no point in you asking to see P. I will not break the court order and I will follow it to the letter. That is the reason that it is in place.
As far as you referring to wishing that we could get back together, or stating that you think of me often, there is also no reason for that. It is really neither here nor there since we do not have contact anymore, however, I want to make perfectly clear that I divorced you for a reason. That reason is that I no longer wish to be your wife. Believe me, I would not have gone through all of the steps to get a divorce, from paying my lawyer over $10K, to going to court multiple times, to changing my last name on every single legal document I have, if I wasn't absolutely, 150%, beyond a shadow of a doubt, certain that I was DONE with you, and DONE with our marriage. Please know that I do not think of you romantically. I do not think of you at all, in fact. The mere thought of being intimate with you actually physically sickens me, and I would never, ever consider getting back together. Not for one single moment.
Now that we have gotten that straightened out and made perfectly clear, the only matter that remains is P. If you would like to be a part of his life, that is between you and the court system. I am not the middleman in all of this. While I am sure they will not take too kindly to the fact that you have ceased to see your own child for close to a year, as well as the fact that you owe over $13K in back child support, you never know. If you are interested in truly turning over a new leaf and proving that you can be a fit parent, I am certain that you can get at least some visitation reinstated.
But, perhaps before you even consider coming back into P's life (if you truly even are considering this) you should ask yourself a few questions. Are you doing this for all of the right reasons? Are you going to come back into his life only to disappear into a drug-induced haze once again? Are you really prepared to be a father and not do it half-assed (as was the case last time, must I remind you how you missed more than HALF of your scheduled visits)? But most importantly, do you think that you even deserve to be in P's life?
If you want my opinion about the last question, my answer is: NO. A resounding NO. You do not deserve to be in the same room as P, let alone have the priviledge of spending time with him and holding yourself out to others as something more than a sperm donor. Because, as of now, that is what you are, and that is what you have been: a donor, and nothing more. From the moment of conception, that was where our obligations ended. You were not there throughout the pregnancy, you were semi-present (read: high out of your mind) at the birth, after P was born you made a weak, half hearted attempt at playing father from time to time, until it all became far too much and you decided to check out for going on approximately ten months time now.
I realize that this email might be getting somewhat long-winded in order for you to comprehend, however, I will just add a few parting thoughts.
Consider your own father and the role that he has played in your life. It is said that the same sex parent is the greatest influence a child can have growing up. Now think about how you would have felt if your father was not a consistent, prevalent figure in your life. What if he'd came and went as he pleased? Sometimes he was there, other times he was not. He was never someone that you could count on? How would that have made YOU feel. I am trying to get you to think of yourself as you should think of P. Because you are such an incredibly self-absorbed person, I realize that the most efficient way to get through to you is to speak in terms of YOU, as opposed to others.
Since you don't know much (or anything for that matter) about P, I will enlighten you. He is one of the smartest, most hilarious, beautiful little boys ever. He is sweet and intuitive, and he has known nothing but LOVE in his little life. I will see to it that he knows nothing but LOVE. It was one thing for me to be let down multiple times by you. It was one thing for you to break various promises to me, and go back on your word. It was one thing for you to mistreat me, consistently on an almost daily basis and make me realize that I could never, ever trust you again. I can deal with that. I am fine. I am over what went on. However, I will not knowingly subject P to the same kind of treatment. I promise you that he will never, ever be exposed to the lies and disappointment that I went through. Not on my watch. As P's mother it is necessary for me to protect him from everything that I can. I will protect him with everything that I have in me, from anything that could possibly hurt him. And, that includes people in his life who are potentially destructive and damaging to him. Including his own father.
I hope that you take the time to read and fully comprehend this email. If that is at all difficult for you due to the verbage or the context, please share it with someone who has not managed to destroy what few precious brain cells they had in their head by shooting up various illicit drugs and substances.
Your Very, Very Happy to be EX Wife